Friday, September 23, 2005
The Lost Presidential Speech - transcribed by Zaki Boulos
There is a deal in the paplines, it's on route, and on schedule. Ar troops are working round the clock to defend ar great democracy from insurgent saboteurs. These terrorist cells will not prevail, for United Defence and Halliburton are on the scene, protecting ar interests, to ensure we receive ar daily oils, say hallelujah! Ah have put in to effect a program which provides jobs for US citizens and gives unemployed I-raqians the opportunity to work. Ah have a vision, ma fellow americ’ns. As god is my widdness, we are gonna make poverty history by giving equal opportunities to the underprivileged both here at home and elsewhere around the world. Ar global corporations have been working diligently, installing the appropriate mechanisms. Ah envision a papline that taps straight outta Saudi Arabia and South East Asia, yeah, ‘cos sending those ships out and then bringing’em home at great cost is a real bummer, sure is. And even if all that works out, we cain't control the spillage, heh, there are no guarantees. Why we'd have to control the seas to do that, heh, and I'm not saying that this fine country of ars ain't up to taming the sea, hell, we will prevail, ‘cos we americ’ns are at the forefront o’cutting-edge technol’gy. Wah we're the o-riginal innovat’rs man! We built this world in the image of our Lord baby jesus. Wha...oh, uh, where waz ah? oh yeh, and 'course that oil spill in the middle sea causes us great harm. Wah we have to do the renegotiating for the new oil supplies, so 's we can bring it back home again at the cost, to you, the tax payer, and then there's all that pollution, polluting the air, the unsuppressed damage these spillages cause the envir’nmint…Pappy, wah DO we have ta ree-negoshiate? Wah don’t we just go in there ‘n kick their asses? I mean, huh, we got ‘nough firepower, heh…heck, you’re right, we won't worry 'bout that just yet, we’re making WAY too much money, heh, the war effort practically pays for itself, heh...folks, with ma extra tax cuts, bringing relief to many corporations, our economy is booming, huh, and the I-raq is burning, the oil fields that is, but don't you worry yourselves none, you hear? By golly, we are gonna send in thee finest elite killing squad the history of humanity has ever seen! To ensure that democracy and freedom prevail, and we’re gonna bring ar boys and girls back to safety, and in one piece, dead or alive. Yes sir-ree, there is a showdown coming soon folks, El-Kay-duh are on the run, the hunt is on, and we are gonna kick us some serious terrorist ass! Theyz gonna pay for what they done to us, yah!…oh, uh, the speech, sorry pa…and them I-raqians can put their fears to rest, for peace and prosperity is at hand, ma hand! It's mine, all mine! And ah don't want any of you poor folk in New Orleans getting any ideas o’getting a cut o’ma action…Darn it pa! Wah cain't ah say those things in public? Ah am the god damn president! Ah am the man! Top dog, like them untouchables. Ah should…No, ah COMMAND that ah be allowed to express myself as ah see fit! God damn opinion polls!…Now ah owe money to the cussing jar…What ah mean to say is, FEMA is on the case in the aftermath of Katr’na, and Halliburton will fulfil its contractual obligations to the good people of Louisiana...Darned reporters, sticking their noses in every thing ah do. Hell, ah can't even get a decent golf game anymore without some guy with a macr’phone attacking ma person with complex queshtions ‘n’ fancy english, what about ma rights? Queshtions, queshtions, always with the queshtions…Don't these people know anything? It's beginning to affect ma swing! Pappy, are you listening to me? All ah wanted was for you to love me Pappy. Instead, you wanted to play with that damned CIA. Are ya even listening Pappy? Pappy? You promised Pappy, you promised you’d take care o’things, you promised me an easy presidency…though, ah gotta hand it to ya pa, the second election went a lot smoother than the first. Ah still remember the look on Al’s face. Remember? ‘Course you do! Ah do believe ah owe Jeb a beer. Oh yeh, iksnay on the oozbay…Oh, huh, the scripture, ah mean, the speech, ‘course. Ma fellow americ’ns, let us take a moment to say a prayer for the poor folk in New Orleans who are so lucky, to have a man of ma integrity, who will go on national TV, to take full responsibility, for this human tragedy, “Blame me, blame me.” Oh Lord, why have you forsaken me? Nonetheless, ah remain resolute, Lord. Ma faith in baby jesus remains untarnished by your oversights. Heck, you got your work cut out for ya, with all them terrorists running around this great earth…Eh, let us pray for a stronger economy and let us pray for thee finest military death-machine that has graced this land of ars. Shoot, we got some fine hi-tech weap’nry heading towards them evil doers, yep, huh, they’re gonna feel ma rapture. Why I’m just salivating at the prospect of launching ma all new Crusader, The Crucifier, heh, huh…Ma fellow americ’ns, we are under attack by great forces o’evil, there’s evil afoot and them sinners will pay dearly for the wrong they have wronged us with. Make no mistake, ma fellow americ’ns, we are doing god’s work and we will prevail. I have put into effect a zee-row tolerance policy for dealing with these evil doers. Not only have ah deployed the wrath of ar ma-tee o-fensive capabilities, but ah have increased homeland security and rewritten ar bee-loved constitution to protect ar investments further from the evil that lurks within. Be fearful, be vigilant, ar borders have been breeched…huh, heh, yeh, and if any of them terrorists wanna mess with us, I say, “BRING ‘EM ON!”…Lord! Ah am your humble servant, and ah have been listening to your commands with great attenshun. Ah kneel here before you, in solitude, within the confines of ma bomb-proof prayer room at ma ranch which, as you already know, is of vital importance for sustaining ar healthy relationship. Ah am your hands Lord, and just like baby jesus, ah am ridding ar democracies of sinners, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. Just say when. Ay-men…Lord, does this shirt go with this jacket?